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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
this is a .44 caliber love letter straight from my heart (ok, so its not, but i just really REALLY love that line) how did this happen? how is my favorite band coming to guelph, and me not having tickets? good for them, for selling out the venue, but HOW can this HAPPEN!?!?!?!?!?!?! WAH!!!! i am now shoeless. i took my shoes back to foot locker (they bought the "never been outside" story) but they didn't have them in my size. and i'm not keeping shoes that feel like they're a bit too small just to have shoes that don't leak. i'd rather have leaky, comfortable shoes, than dry, uncomfortable shoes. so now, i have no new shoes. she said they should be getting more vans in about 2 weeks. so all i can do is check back then. le sigh.
Monday, September 29, 2003
im wearing flannet pyjama pants, socks, slippers, tshirt, long sleeve tshirt, and a hoodie (with the hood on). and i can't stop shivering. i feel like ass. no, scratch that. i feel worse than ass. this has been the crappiest day ever. to start, i woke up with a HUGELY swollen throat. i can barely swallow. i couldn't eat breakfast this morning. felt too sick. next, it was seminar day in class. my seminar is all done, im ready to present. i take up my disk and my notes, and try to pull up the file, and oh, whats that? its become a bad disk, and i can't pull it up. isn't that special? i booted the presentation from the disk last night, which is what i don't understand. what happened overnight that i couldn't pull it up? :( so i felt like a chump, like i hadn't done my work (which is a blatant lie, my presentation is all done) but because i can't call it up, im embarrassed and i think people think less of me because of it. then, i went to the lab to tell janet that i split her cells 1:3 so that she could seed for transfection on tuesday. but everything i split yesterday is contaminated. isn't that just a ray of fucking sunshine. then i went to the clinic, and had to wait in line forEVER. i don't know if they purposely did stuff that slow or what, but it took forever just to get my complaint in. then, i had to go sit and wait (thank god it wasn't standing). the only good thing, is that the walk-in clinic invested in some new movies, and i got to watch part of "how to lose a guy in 10 days". so i finally get in, get seen by the dr. he does a swab (i gag) and then the nurse comes in and does a quick swab (i gag again). its not strep. thats all they can tell me. (that's all they can EVER tell me.) finally, i get on the bus to go home. no problem. transfer buses, and i can smell mustard and licorice. and honest to go, i thought i was going to ralph. i called about my shoes when i got here. i lied and told them i hadn't worn them outside (and then rigorously cleaned the bottoms of them) and i can take them back. i think i should have gotten a half size larger because they're kind of tight. that gives me something to do, if only i could get up the courage to go outside. i just feel like ass and don't think i should be doing anything, but i really wanna get this shoe thing fixed so i can start breaking them in. now, im hungery, but i don't know if i can eat. i think i should try. but i also think that could be dangerous. at the very least, im going to lay on the couch and not move for a very very very long time. after class today, i'm going to the clinic, and then i'm going home because i can hardly swallow. :(
Sunday, September 28, 2003
well. one pair of shoes and two pairs of pants later. i know, i know. money i don't have, but the jeans are on the credit card and will get paid off after i get birthday money, and the cords were $25. how could i NOT for $25???? for serious, thats rediculously cheap. so i got shoes. ((specifically the white/dream blue pair)). today, i am wearing my cords and my new shoes. its kinda fun :) thank you for coming with me -- i had fun seeing you and we both got what we were looking for (not necessarily planning on buying, but we certainly did well for ourselves!!) off to lab!
Friday, September 26, 2003
what do you do when there's so much hurt you can't help? it kills me to see you like this. and i can't do anything. you are the kind of hurt i've only read about, never encountered first hand. the kind of hurt where you just have to wait it out. and i know that, as much as it kills me to watch you like this, i know you're hurting even more. i just wish there was something i could do. *huge hugs*
Thursday, September 25, 2003
i think dalton mcguinty is a robot. seriously. after recalling what i saw at the leader's debate on tuesday, i realized that he never changed a facial expression. EVER. the same expression for the WHOLE THING. and every once in a while, he would cock his head to one side, and i swear to god i thought it was gonna blow up. thats just how it looked! anyone agree with me here? strange. my power went off last night. so im lucky i managed to get up. im so tired. i don't think i'm staying at school very long coz i feel like crap and i can barely keep my eyes open right now. so so SO tired.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
mmmmcozycloudy. ((sidebar: whatever happened to the crash test dummies? you know, the group that wrote "mmm mmm mmm mmm"??)) i love overcast days. they're so cozy to me. they're all about inside and blankets and tea. (speaking of, i should put on some water for chai tea. back in a sec.) ok. its on. anyways, i came home from my loooong day and went straight to the grocery store to get the ingredients for dinner friday night (my sister and her friend liz are coming over for some good food -- hopefully i can make it good food!) its a recipe i've never made before, from the cookbook i bought through the book lady at work this summer. i got some work to do, if i can only find where i put my articles. oh, there they are. ta!
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
im watching the political leader's debate right now, and i must say, i'm kind of impressed by howard hampton. while i don't have enough confidence in him to run the province, i feel that he's the only one who isn't using this debate to shamelessly plug his platform. this debate is about issues, not about what you're promising. and mr. mcguinty, when the issue is about teachers' strikes, don't bring in funding and caps on class sizes. please. stay on topic. i can't really swallow, and i don't think i have a sinus cavity anymore. it disappeared somewhere with my throat.
Monday, September 22, 2003
i just realized my glands are popping out of the side of my neck, and i can't remember a time when they've EVER been that sore. im suddenly not feeling so reckless.... currently listening to: fame by vaux you wanna get lost at the foot of my cross, well come on baby... im feeling reckless. and dangerous. this song makes me ragey and hyper, its the greatest thing ever. i listened to it all while i grocery shopped and i felt like acting out like those kids in the convenience store in the 1979 video by the pumpkins. ragey and seductive. a great combination. i think i've come undone... i love grocery stores, especially when they're open til 10, which means i can take the 7:50 bus to go grocery shopping. ((if im sick with what everyone was sick with, i won't be able to move tomorrow, which means i'll want crackers. :P)) this song pretty much says it all. i love this band. hanging on for hope by the new amsterdams are you hanging on for hope? the clock strikes past the hour is the pain enough to choke the life out? you may never get to sleep your time is not your time tonight her smile will make you weak and proud do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? it’s all you’ve got worth living for is it much too much to cope the road out? there’s a tension when we speak the income’s overrated but it’s worth it when we meet on common ground do you ever miss her? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything more deafening? are you hanging on for hope? it’s all you’ve got worth living for is it much too much to cope when i'm gone? do you ever miss her?? do you feel the cold wind whisper? is there anything....? do you ever cower when the clock strikes every hour? is there anything more deafening? uh oh. im starting to get the chills now. want fleece pants. blanket. warm soup. warm hugs. have no crackers. maybe i should invest. so. im really glad i came into the lab today. i was going to split cells and probably seed for a transfection (since my last one had really low efficiency) and i get here, and i have no cells. let me backtrack: we had a dish in the incubator on friday that was MAJORLY contaminated. im talking, like 90. horrendously contaminated. my prof. said he'd never seen anything that bad. so it was thrown out, and we figured we were ok. well, i guess everything was contaminated this morning. so now, i have no cells. i'm testing my media and we're also testing the trypsin and the PBS to make sure they're ok, but i have NOTHING to do here. right now i'm autoclaving some pipette tips, but that'll take all of an hour and i'll be done. so. who wants to give me something to do? and how come me, fader and kroe are the only people who ever comment on this thing? currently listening to: megan 2k2 (even tho its 2k3) by reggie and the full effect i think i feel a cold coming on. its in my throat, that pre-cold semi-swollen throat feeling. and its in how i'm stuffed up a bit (but not a lot). mostly, its the throat. i HATE the throat. this is NOT cool.
Sunday, September 21, 2003
well, its FINALLY completed. you have NO idea how long this took (i concur fader, it took me FOREVER to get this done!) but all i have to say is this is one DAMN good soundtrack. so here it is! melissa's motion picture soundtrack opening credits: hard candy by counting crows waking-up scene: i am a revenant by the distillers average-day scene: american girls by counting crows best-friend scene: if i had a million dollars by barenaked ladies first-date scene: stem by hayden, crush by jimmy eat world falling-in-love scene: just watch the fireworks by jimmy eat world love scene: beside you by tal bachman sex scene: bonnie and clyde II by martina sorbara dirtier sex scene: half a world away by esthero (but really, her whole album "breath from another" could be used here, its hard to pick just *a* song) heartbreak scene: evaoprated by ben folds five break-up scene: three simple words by finch get-back-together scene: thousand mile wish by finger eleven fight-with-friend scene: just like you by three days grace fights-at-home scene: this sudden injury by dallas green mental breakdown scene: how to disappear completely by radiohead driving scene: every time i look for you the sun goes down by blink 182, cars and calories by saves the day deep-thought scene: trusty chords by hot water music lesson-learning scene: hurt by johnny cash 'life's ok' scene: soco amaretto lim by brand new flashback scene: wise up by aimee mann party scene: what i like about you by the suicide machines, pee in the elevator by the planet smashers, regret scene: the days i recall being wonderful by last days of april transitional scene: ten by jimmy eat world. slow dance scene: end of the world by martina sorbara happy-dance song: the idiots have taken over by nofx long-night-alone scene: asylum by silverchair epic triumph scene: surprise by semisonic death scene: pyramid song by radiohead, dante's prayer by loreena mckennit, magic by ben folds closing credits: december by weezer currently listening to: megan 2k2 (even tho its 2k3) by reggie and the full effect there's something so incredibly soothing about straight chords on piano. its like.....home. warm slippers. a hot shower. a warm blanket. a cup of hot chocolate or hot tea. a favorite hoodie. im feeling incredibly sad. and i have no idea why. no thoughts. no ideas. just sadness. so. no shoes. because this mall sucks. and has no decent ones. im beginning to think that i'll NEVER find a good pair of shoes. tell your momma i'm back in town unpacked, re-settling in, thinking that its poster time. yeah. definitely time to put up some posters in the living room, and to organize some other stuff. i gots some time before karrie and i head to the mall for some shoe time (oh yeah baby, new shoes) so i might as well put it to good use. ta!
Saturday, September 20, 2003
im thinking about a redesign. something based on "i hate this place, but i love these chords"....perhaps called "these chords" for short (obviously). im thinking lots of blues in the scheme. i'm thinking.....katie? whats your sched like? :P you are my favoritest cousin ever and i think no one is more fantastic than you. i'll drop you an email (or drop me a comment here). yeah. something fresh. new. exciting. musical. so excited now. can't wait. updated to do list: re-read article for seminar watch SATC season premiere i hate this place, but i love these chords. ((i LOOOVE that line, and this song is my new fave, i think)) things to do today: laundry practice begin to clean room (in embro) re-read article for seminar watch sex and the city season premiere (the last one! *sniff*) i think thats ok for today. gonna go practice now. then i can cross that off, and feel super productive. :) trusty chords by hot water music "you'll get it right sometime. you will." i tell myself that everyday. "you don't need to latch on to anything. you'll just end up back here in your little limbo scene." it's repetitious and exhausting. i might need some therapy, anything to keep me in check through the day. don't think about your lover. "you're already steady shaking." i might need a sedative, but i hate the taste of medicine. "you just need to let her go." these pills shaking in my hand just make me feel defeated, like i'm not able to just let her go away. i hate this place but i love these chords. "an empty fate just means an even score." and the pain this morning... it filled my head. it's jameson. it means that i'm not dead. and i just can't seem to get away there's no such thing as escape, even with the sedatives you're always in the same state, clutching to a limbo scene. you're never changing anything, you just stop the shaking. and its constantly repeating through the day i hate this place but i love these chords. "an empty fate just means an even score." and the pain this morning... it filled my head. it's jameson. it means that i'm not dead. home this weekend. nothing to keep me in guelph, really, so i just came home where i can get free groceries. have to start working on my seminar for class, which i'll probably do some of today. new sex and the city season tonight on bravo! WAHOO! gotta watch. i thought i'd be feeling better about things by now. so why don't i? and why do i feel so small?
Friday, September 19, 2003
i love rain. but today, i hate it. a) its going to last all day b) i have no umbrella c) my shoes leak plans to get new shoes last night went out the window when there wasn't time. bah. need. new. shoes. soon. karrie, i may end up going without you, i don't know how much more i can take of leaky shoes. this blows.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
((im at the lab, and i have a lot of time right now, hence 3 posts in half an hour. this is what you do when you're waiting for paraformaldehyde to thaw)) i just wanna be at home and see if i can get this to work. my computer was bothering me all night last night, i couldn't get to sleep for a long time because of it. argh! i had something else to say, and i don't know what it was. it just...vanquished. maybe my paraformaldehyde is ready now. songs i can't live without right now: hearshot kid disaster by coheed and cambria until the day i die by story of the year bye bye boyfriend by fefe dobson (leave me alone, i like it) going under by evanescence (see above parenthetical text) trusty chords by hot water music soco amaretto lim by brand new megan 2k2 (even tho its 2k3) by reggie and the full effect become one anything one time by the promise ring the new stuff from the new amsterdams hurt by johnny cash ((INCREDIBLE video)) to awake and avenge the dead by thrice anger as beauty by hawksley workman weak and powerless by a perfect circle songs i could definitely do without: anything related or resembling christina aguilera (shudder) theory of a deadman good charlotte anything unpredictable by keshia chante (am i the only one who thinks this song blows majorly?) the new dashboard stuff i feel like i should explain about that last one. don't get me wrong, dashboard is an incredible song writer and i think he's all around great, but this new stuff? im not so fond of it at ALL. like, where the NORMAL dashboard? you know, maximum two guitars and a voice? i miss that stuff. now he just sounds like all other punk/emo bands and it sucks. im really not a fan. he used to stand out, be original. and now? he blends in with the crowd. i hate it. dashboard is way better and should not be blending in with the crowd, but i've lost where he is because it all sounds the same. i miss my guitar. my crisis may not be so crisis-tastic. i found out on microsoft.com how to boot xp in safe mode, so i'll probably try that when i get home -- theoretically, that should load ok, and then i'll be able to re-set my display settings and reboot to normalcy. *crosses fingers* so. i finally have internet. only i fucked up my monitor, so i can't see anything. its fixable, im sure, but i have NO idea how to do it and am waiting for the help of one great computer guru to help me. man i can't believe i screwed that up. so angery.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
still. no. internet. anger. consuming. self. unbelievable. rage. NOT. MY. FAULT. *growl* ============== we finally talked. im feeling better. not 100% better, but a bit better. much better than i was on monday. or tuesday during the day, even. i just hope you feel the same way i do.
Monday, September 15, 2003
today is a very special day. today, i get to announce the honoured winner of the kickinthenuts award. today's winner is not just a first-time kickinthenuts winner, but today, they are receiving multiple kickinthenuts awards. today's awards are: kickinthenuts for bad service, kickinthenuts for wasting my time, kickinthenuts for fucking around with the customer, and finally, a kickinthenuts for being a dillhole. today's winner is.....bell canada, sympatico division. let me tell you. there is NO WAY that getting internet should be this hard. i was SO ANGRY last night. still am. and if i don't have internet when i get home tonight, heads will roll my friends....make no mistake...heads will roll. by the numbers amount of time spent in jogging pants: 6 hours number of calls made to bell sympatico tech support: 5 number of different tech support guys i talked to: 7 amount of time spent (in total) on phone to bell: 1.5 hours time spent cursing bell: 6 hours number of tech support guys i was not very nice to: 2 number of hot dogs i ate for dinner: 2 number of posters i put up on my walls: 10 number of posters still to go up: 6 or 7 ((depends on space)) number of photos i put up on my walls: 16 number of concert tickets on wall: 10 number of foam squares used to put these up: 96 number of spots touched up on dresser: 4 number of tealights burned today: 1 number of times i swore after my final phone call with bell: 4 amount of time until i FINALLY get internet: 15 or so hours number times i thought about buying new shoes today: 3 amount of money it will cost for a bus ticket to toronto to kick some bell ass if i don't have internet tomorrow: $21.50 number of asses i will kick at bell: TNTC (too numerous to count) amount of time spent thinking about you: all night long. where are you? letter to a friend dear you, i feel strange. i don't really know how to say this, and its weird. stuff feels different....i don't know if its you, or if its me, or if its just a freaky combination, but something's off and im not liking it very much. first off, let me apologize. the beginning of the month was rough on me, and i know was not my typical self for a few days -- i was this giant ball of stress and worry, where the littlest thing could set me off and i'd cry at the drop of a hat. i know i was not a fun person to be around, and don't blame you for feeling frustrated or angry -- please understand that. i overly appreciate your tolerance and patience with me and my crazy moods. let me begin now by saying that you know me. you know the fragility of my self esteem, my pessimistic tendancies, and finally, you know about how i can take any situation and find the worst in it, applying it to myself and starting a cycle of blame and sadness. it is because these talents that i write to you today, to let you know what i'm feeling. it is these talents that brought me to the gallows of where i am, where i have been for the past few days, and where i will no doubt continue to reside for a while. i feel out of touch. conversation has been attempted, but this attempt seemed futile -- it has only been once, and not for very long at that, leaving me without the reassurance i was hoping for. in fact, it left me with more fear and doubt than i had prior to our communication. i do not know what is going through your mind or your thoughts, which has led me only to speculate....and i can't help but think that the worst is coming, which has resulted in me being overwrought with emotion, terrified, and not too happy for the past few days (to say the least). i have held other conversations with you over the past few days, but you have no idea what was said, because you weren't there. it was me and my thoughts, words silently said between me and my dashboard while i was going home from waterloo. i said things to you that i want to say, but feel like i can't. they were good conversations, filled with questions, confessions and tears, and i can't for the life of me remember how i said what i said now. they were the the kind of conversations so filled with emotion, the kinds that are overdramatic....something you would find on a major network drama filled with teen angst, like party of five or dawson's creek. i asked you questions and received no answers. but what scared me the most is that i couldn't come up with an answer i thought you would give. like, sometimes when i get like this, i know that what im thinking is stupid and that im just being silly and i can still know things, answer questions, even though it all happens in my head. i couldn't answer for you. and maybe thats what terrifies me the most. i feel like i'm losing, and im scared. i don't know what to do, i don't know what i'm doing, and i hate how i'm feeling. right now, you're still there....but i miss you. i can see you, but i can't have you, can't talk to you, and im left holding nothing but my heart and a kleenex. can i fix me? can we fix me? can we fix this? i don't know how much more of me i can take. ....passed out, on the overpass sunday best and broken glass broken down from the bikes and bars suspended like spirits over speeding cars you and me were kings over the parkway tonight and tonight will go on forever...
Sunday, September 14, 2003
I. REALLY. HATE. BELL. i returned home from the weekend, only to find that the "dsl" light on my modem is STILL not on, meaning I HAVE NO INTERNET. things to do monday: class 9-12 lunch seed cells find out where antibodies are in lab (everything's moved around...so confusing!) bitch out major canadian corporation call dayna re: times for dinner tomorrow call karrie and tell her i danced when i heard her message (go here and look at 10/02/03. i sware these boys love me, i always get to see them around my birthday!) touch-up paint on dresser i think thats it. i can't think of anything else. so that'll do for now. ps thanks to this neat new tool on blogger i can change the publish time and make you think i did this last night, even though i have no internet at home. mwahahaha.)
Friday, September 12, 2003
currently listening to: hearshot kid disaster by coheed and cambria do you ever feel like you've put too much stock in something and that its going to fall apart at any given minute? hi. i'm melissa. and welcome to high-hopes-anonymous. sigh. let me apologize in advance for the extreme vagueness of this entry, but i assure you its necessary. i feel like i've overestimated things. like i'm not held in the same regards as i hold someone else. like i've been kidding myself all along....things aren't really different, its just new places and new people, but we really live the same shit all the time. its just got different faces. i don't really know what i've been doing.....pretending, i guess. but why does reality have to be such a slap in the face? this bites. and im not sure what to do about it. swallow it down, don't be surprised when the other shoe drops.....im sure things are better than they actually seem, but given how everything's gone down lately, i can't really help being the pessimist that i've always been, only this time im wearing my disappointment right on my sleeve. i just don't know what to do with myself. i've never been in this situation (well, maybe a long time ago, but i've forgotten what its like so its new, all over again). i saw the video for hurt by johnny cash this morning. fitting, seeing as how he passed away this morning. the video was absolutely beautiful....i've never seen anything like it. i don't really have anything else to say. its gotten to a point where words don't really help me (they certainly don't comfort me) and im just numb.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
well, here's the good news. the good news, is that im not mad at or hurt by the person i thought i was mad at or hurt by, instead, its a random stranger who hi-jacked someone's email account. isn't that wonderful. the bad news is that i still feel like shit. i guess i just can't win. i don't think i have ever felt like this. im not sure what this is.....i know what caused it (but i can't do anything about it) and its sent me (and my esteem) crashing into the floor. im sure i'm overreacting, but i don't really know what other way to feel.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
currently listening to: until the day i die by story of the year (i forgot how much this song kicks major ass. its on the mix cd i made for mine and karrie's not-so-real trip to warped tour. its friggin' awesome.) i. hate. bell. still no internet. called bell when i got home last night, ready to deliver my practiced sermon and bitch out whoever needed to be bitched out (or whoever answered on the other end). gordon (regular bell guy) put me through to shawn (bell sympatico guy) who told me my customered preferred starting date was friday september 12. i said "uh...what does that mean?" and he goes "thats the date you requested internet" to which i replied "um, no? i asked for internet as soon as possible" and he goes "well, then thats the soonest available date." harumph. however, i did get the affirmative prices (i had been given about 3 different prices in total) and just wanted the REAL prices. PLUS they REALLY got rid of their download quotas. i asked him -- and he said "yeah, its unlimited bandwidth". then i danced for joy. i was a bit nicer to him then, because he told me what i wanted to hear, and it was TRUE! onto a new topic. did you ever wish regretting someone having your email address because all they do is send you stupid forwards that you're not interested in reading? i don't think i've ever received a REAL email from this girl -- just these crappy forwards that even have "fwd" about 8 million times in the title. geez, at least make it LOOK like a real email, maybe then you have a chance of me reading it. im also not so impressed with certain people right now. certain people who haven't returned phone calls or emailed to say "yes, im alive." not too sure what to do about that. some other stuff that i can't help thinking about (i go from absolutely angry to worried sick and back again in about two minutes) as well as a couple other things i've been feeling. i thought these feelings would go away, but its been a couple of days and the thoughts are still there. its not so good. hopefully my lunch with fader can be somewhat therapeutic and i can get someone else's ideas about the situation (also a problem -- no one knows about these feelings so its just me and my paranoia). oooh, classes are switching and the campus is ALIVE with people. ALIVE. crazy. i might go walk around the library and see if i can find don. i think i know where he studies with his friends (don is my sister's fiancee). CHRISTIAN! i just saw christian walking by. hahahaha, this post-ending is the most random thing ever. ps -- space ghost -- watched it last night. HI-LARIOUS! knifin' around. and chambraigne! hehehehe....need dvd player. need space ghost dvd. *drool*
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
this campus is about sweats and modrobes and tshirts and being comfortable, not looking like you're going to get snatched and taken to a dance club at any time. honestly. WHO are you trying to impress. i went to the lecture for the course i'm TA-ing today. swear to god there's only 8-10 guys in a class of 200. funniest thing i've ever seen. still no bell modem/sympatico package at my door. am planning on getting home tonight to call them and find out what the hell is going on. you simply can't play with someone's hopes like that, its just not done. last night was the culmination. (i like that word, culmination. its highly underused). erin picked chad, and chad reciprocated. just to show that it wasn't about the money, she split the extra one million with him. uh, if it wasn't about the money, why wouldn't you just GIVE him the million dollars instead of keeping some? greedygreedygreedy. still not having much to say. good running into people all across campus yesterday -- good to see people, and lots of hugs all around. good times. still missing that one all important hug from this girl (who still has my guitar!) and hoping to get that sometime this week. maybe i'll give her a call, see if she's still alive. hehehe. im in the lab, not doing a lot. dr bendall misplaced the sheet he had written my main project on -- but has given me a side project. hopefully, if this side project works, its something that can be published (wouldn't that be grrrrrrreat!). on a uplifting positive note, i hate money. HATE IT. headache setting in. not cool. maybe its coz im tired, who knows. OOH! im looking outside and i can see that jen's walking to the bus stop -- if i had time i could run and catch her, but i think she's planning on going home so i don't want to keep her from catching the bus. that girl is fun. im going to do.....something, i think. i don't really know.
Monday, September 08, 2003
in the lib now. still no net at home (stupid bell -- should be coming today or tomorrow, thats what buddy told me on friday. at least i have a phone and i don't feel as isolated). i feel like i have nothing to say on this. its easier when you're at home and you can blog whenever you feel like it, but when you only have certain time at a computer, and you feel like you should use, and you have nothing to say, it makes for a boring entry. i NEED new shoes, like 90. i walked to school today and im realizing that these shoes need to go. i guess its ok -- they lasted a year. not so bad. unfortunately, new shoes means money. which i do not have a lot of. oh well. i think im gonna go. i have absolutely zip all to say.
Friday, September 05, 2003
well well. here i am, back in the lab. (mostly because they have internet, and i, as of yet, do not). BUT i have a phone! :D it was supposed to be up yesterday, and i called this morning to tell them they were stupid and it wasn't up yet, and then at 10am, I HAD A PHONE! :D:D:D getting a better grip on things -- have textbook and workbook for course i'm TA-ing (omg -- SO EASY!) and have met with prof for this course a couple of times and he's really nice so things are looking well. a big thank you to those of you who left me such kind words -- i didn't get to read them til today (see above) but i am so grateful to have your support and thoughts -- thank you so much. went out last night -- it was harnish's bday so we met at the harn's and then went out -- went to go into trappers (but ended up not trying -- stupid froshies) and went to van gogh's instead for some hip hop. it was good people, not my kinda scene, but still good times. hope harnish had a good night -- that boy deserved it. not a heck of a lot else to talk about, i guess i'll go find other stuff to do or something. maybe read through my tutorial manual.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
well, its been awhile. i must apologize. i'm all moved in (kinda) and in the process (still) of unpacking. no phone, no internet yet, but be patient, i'll update you all when i get it -- promise. i wrote this last night and im posting it today, obviously because of no internet, so here you go: ===== here, you can be anything. and i think that scares you. i don't think the word 'scares' is one i'm looking for. right now, nothing short of the word 'terrified' can accurately explain how i'm feeling. its been a really rough couple of days for me, i've been this huge ball of emotion -- snapping at people for no apparent reason one minute (please, to those i've hurt, accept my humblest apologies. its a trying time for me right now, and while that's no real excuse, its the best i can do) and breaking down into gut-wrenching sobs the next. things have changed so much over the past couple of days, and its all i can do to manage this motion sickness (and emotion sickness) while still trying to be a human being. i can say with complete and total honesty that i've never, EVER been this afraid of anything. and i can't really figure out why. i mean, its not like i moved to a new city and entered a new school where i don't know anyone. all my friends are still here, and its the same city i've lived in for the past 4 years. so what the hell is wrong with me? i feel so disconnected and lost, even moreso than i was in first year. i mean, i was 17 when i started first year, and i feel like i was more ready for that than i am for this. this is my first frosh-free year. my first year of no training. my first year of no campy moments with friends, no students to look after.....and i feel like i'm so far away from campus. four years of residence, and living off campus (while exciting and filled with many candle-burning moments) just feels wrong, like i've lost something very dear to me and can't recall how to find it. this is me, living, and frankly, i don't know if i'm that fond of it. not that this is very reassuring, but i guess its just growing up. kicking and screaming the whole way, this is growing up. and pardon my french, but this fucking sucks. its worrying about money all year (as opposed to wondering how you're going to make that big residence/food/tuition cheque not bounce) and living off whatever you can. i've resigned myself to the fact that i'll probably need a part-time job. either that, or its a line of credit and the big ol' d-e-b-t for me. the thing is, to get a job, you need a phone. and i don't have one (yet. we finally figured all that out today, moments before i possibly made a huge mistake and locked myself into a year-long contract with telus mobility). phone line and internet are coming soon, and it does feel a bit better to have that all figured out (ps: if you're long distance from me, i love you, and please spend your money calling me instead of vice-versa. thank you for your co-operation.) i think i'm going to be living off $200 a month (after rent and phone/internet -- utilities are included in rent). for those of you not living on your own, $200 is not a lot of money for food. its way less than $10 a day, which was my original goal. who knows, maybe this'll work out and i'll lose like, 50 pounds. wouldn't that be swell. it'd be nice to have something good come of something crappy for once. this place is not my home (yet). and with what i've left at home and what i have here, it's going to be a while before it IS a home. and who knows, by then, i might want to move. i kinda want to move right now, but i think that's mostly because of the overall isolated-ness i'm feeling, what with no real contact with the outside world. you can't even give me a quarter and tell me to call someone who cares because i don't have a phone (yet). the guy upstairs is really nice, but i feel weird -- i mean, this is HIS house. yeah, its my apartment, but HIS house so i kinda feel like a guest right now (an overcharged guest, at that). there's so much i'm not sure of, and much more that i don't know. im starting to wonder if i can actually do this, if i can be a grad student. i mean, i'm a TA for pete's sake! they're letting me TEACH people. if that's not the biggest mistake that has disaster written all over it, i'm not sure what is. im so scared, and uninformed (i feel so out of the loop -- i wish the department had sent more mail and information, but i guess some things are just too much to ask for). today i have some grad students day and tomorrow is the TA conference. i don't know how long i'll stick around at either, because they have the potential to be, well, boring. but i have to go and see what its all about, because this is who i am now. a 21 year old adult (gasp!), who's undertaking a graduate degree, but all i wanna do is hug my favorite stuffed animal for dear life and cry into his soft exterior. i just don't know. and i don't know if i'll ever know. everybody knows it sucks to grow up (but everybody does) ((at what point, though, do you have to stop fighting it and let it happen? sigh.)) |
old canvas
my amazon wishlist reading: staring at the lights again adrienne: non-fiction puck you: nhl playoffs 2004 jaked on green beers decordas that kind of girl kates danielle thebrenda theniki mr good the clinic swimgal's splashes love me, hate me.... everything's coming up robin sneaky pete one big rant homestarrunner rathergood.com threebrain.com found magazine makeoutclub chart magazine pollstar breathing: sign my guestbook view my guestbook photo album university of guelph the shape of punk to come musing: coheed and cambria alkaline trio jimmy eat world mae my chemical romance alexisonfire strike anywhere at the drive-in thursday ben folds / five the juliana theory finch brand new yellowcard esthero finger eleven incubus system of a down goldfinger face to face sparta silverchair radiohead weezer the weakerthans k's choice vagrant records drive-thru records victory records
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